But God Gives Songs in the Night

"But God gives songs in the night..."

This verse was taken from Job 35:10 and came to me at the perfect time. More than ever, I miss my fiancé, John. I miss my family, especially knowing that my sister just had her second baby, this time a sweet little girl. And, quite frankly, I don't like teaching.

Sometimes, in the past, these factors were enough to bring me down, but it was nothing a little exercise or the occasional ice cream treat couldn't fix. Last week, however, the anxiety was much more real and much more extreme than this.

I am not writing this to get anyone's sympathy or just to be heard. I am telling my story because I don't think I'm the only one in this boat. Maybe my story can help a few others.

I joined Teach For America because I believe every child deserves the opportunity to obtain an excellent education, and I stick with it because of all the reasons mentioned in my last post. But more important than both of these reasons is the pure fact that God called me here for two years.

For the past two weeks, I wanted to quit more than anything. I know there are other qualified teachers who could do my job. I know I'm not Roma's best teacher. Honestly, I don't even like teaching. I like being with youth- mentoring them, coaching them, sponsoring clubs, helping with the church youth group, etc.; but the day-in and day-out routine of explaining math to high schoolers drives me crazy- despite how much I really do love them. On top of teaching every day, I feel like I have to walk into class and pretend like everything is okay for 9 hours while I'm in front of students- because they are each carrying burdens even heavier than my own. And yes, the thought runs through my mind frequently that if I was not here, I could be married to the love of my life, already.

I know that my family and loved ones love & miss me, and it's hard seeing myself put a strain on them because of my absence. I cried myself to sleep and cried on the way to work every morning last week (except for Friday...because I woke up in a frenzy at 7:20 and had 20 minutes to shower and get to work.) I talked to a few people about it, who reminded me that God has me here for a reason and he is using me. My response was that I know that, and I believe it, but it's not enough to get me out of bed in the mornings right now.

But then God stepped in and spoke (or maybe I should say, "but then I finally opened my ears and my eyes to what God was trying to say").  John reminded me that it wasn't easy for Joan of Arc to fight, and face death for her obedience.  Paul didn't "like" being in prison for spreading the gospel, but he kept following the Lord's plan anyway. Moses didn't have the confidence to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, but God chose him anyway and sent a helper to guide him and help him.

I'm not going to be okay on my own. I'm not even going to be okay with the help of John, Brittany, Mrs. Casas, Sierra, and my sister, mom, and dad. But I am holy, chosen, and loved1. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me2. I am called for such a time as this3. I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down4. I love, because he first loved me5. And that means I'm staying here and by the power and grace of God, will finish the school year strong. God has made it clear the duration that I am called here, and I must be obedient- there is too much at stake for my students and my community to not follow his plan- they are always greater than mine.

God gives songs in the night6, and today, my song remains, "when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.7"

1- "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience." Colossians 3:12
2- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
3- "And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" - Esther 4:14
4- "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and come down to you?" Nehemiah 6:3
5- "We love because he first loved us." -1 John 4:19
6- "...Where is God my Maker, who gives songs in the night," - Job 35:10
7- "from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

Why I Do What I Do

It's already the end of the first 6 weeks of school, and I can hardly believe it. The first grading term has flown by and I feel like so much precious time has already come and gone. I love my students, even when they drive me crazy, but this time of year is exactly when I need to re-focus on my vision. On a more basic level, I just need to remember why it is that I'm here- why I do what I do. I don't love teaching- I don't even like it, if we're being honest. So why teach? Why do I do it? Why not quit? 

Here's a list of 20 reasons:

1. Because by the grace of God I am what I am, and that gift to me is not without effect
2. Because I received a top-notch education through public schools, and
3. Because I think that the best way for me to give  back is to provide the same opportunity for other communities.
4. Because I learned discipline, teamwork, and perseverance through school sports.
5. Because I learned how to be organized and how to plan events by being a class officer
6. Because I battled anorexia, and won, and I want to tell my girls that they are beautiful and they are loved.
7. Because my parents taught me to love God and love my neighbor, and
8. Because I believe that my "neighbor" is anyone in need- not just someone who looks like me, talks like me, or acts like me.
9. Because math should make sense to students if we are really trying to teach things that matter.
10. Because I want to get a hold of my students before drugs do.
11. Because I believe that faith without works is dead.
12. Because every child deserves someone who believes in their potential

13. Because the STAAR is an intimidating state test, but math really is relevant to our lives

14. Because no, you may not always need to remember that a squared plus b squared equals c squared, but you will absolutely need to remember how to work together, think critically, and so hard things

15. Because I can't stand the thought of one more of my students being expelled for fighting, so I go to work again and again each day to tell them that they don't have to prove their worth to me. They are already worthy. 

16. Because I believe my low-income, minority students are just as capable and just as intelligent as their more affluent peers

17. Because I want them to have access to a college education

18. Because they call me mom

19. Because they call me friend

20. Because they call me teacher

Days 17-18.5: The End

Day 17 – June 23

We showed Foresters Pass who’s boss today. I was a little afraid of the 13k elevation, but John kept reminding me it was our last pass and we’ve done well on all of the other ones. Surely enough, Foresters just had a few more switchbacks, and then we were at the top. We ate a heavy snack and rested a while there- all of our stops or breaks keep getting longer and longer as we savor the scenery and make more memories.

We descended Forester and cruised about 5 more miles to our campsite in time for an afternoon nap & crossword. We kept daydreaming and talking about 3 very important things:

1)   how excited we are to see our families together (especially now that we’re engaged),

2)   wedding ideas & wished, and

3)   all of the foods we want to eat when we come out of the Sierras.

Just one more dehydrated dinner to go!

Day 18 – June 24

We are officially going for it. We are getting up in a few hours at 11:45pm. We hope to be at the summit of Whitney waiting for the sunrise in the morning. We hiked 11 miles to Guitar Lake today and made it here by 3- we relaxed, ate dinner, and pre-packed our stuff so it’s easy to get going in the morning…aka later tonight. We are currently sitting under the shade of a rock looking up at Whitney. She’s beautiful and we can’t wait to finish the JMT in the morning!

Day 18.5 – June 25

Day 19 started on day 18. We woke up at 11:40pm, though we really just tossed and turned and dozed a little from 6-11:40 with very little uninterrupted sleep. We slept cowboy style, just in our bags on top of our mats & tarp, but without setting up the tent. We then hiked up Mt. Whitney in the dark using our headlamps and the moonlight (until the moon set after 30 minutes of hiking). Parts were icy; sometimes you could tell you were crossing a steep, narrow ridge, and other times it felt like you were in a dark abyss walking over one boulder at a time. We climbed up with our JMT friend Spencer who we bet a few days before and who inspired us to go up at night in order to be there for sunrise. We left at 12:15 and climbed the first 1000 feet and about 1.8 miles in 50 minutes. By just after 1:30am, we were already at the Mount Whitney Junction- the turnoff where many JMTers slack-pack it and proceed the last 1.9 miles to the summit. The further we went, it became less and less of a trail and more of a game or maze of picking your way through rocks, boulders, gravel, and occasional snow and/or ice patches.

The adrenaline and difficulty of the climb challenged us, and we made it to the summit at 3:18pm- just 3 hours since we left Guitar Lake. We knew it could take an average of 3-5 hours, but we didn’t want to risk missing sunrise and we ended up making great time. We found shelter between rocks after signing the Register (I signed it John & Emily Sauvageau…I swear there wasn’t room for both our current last names ;) ) and finding that someone was already asleep inside the summit cabin. We reclined against the rocks with our sleeping bags, mats, and all layers of warm clothing for 2 hours until sunrise. It was absolutely breathtaking and worth the early morning climb and the wait.

After many pictures, soaking it all in, and packing up our things, we were still freezing and began our descent- the last of many. From Trail Crest it was another 8.5 miles to Whitney Portal. The miles seemed to drag on and on until the store and parking lot and car were in sight- which, of course, was exactly where we got stopped by a ranger- the first one we had seen since Yosemite. 15 minutes later, we strolled through the trailhead feeling proud, accomplished, thankful, and hungry!

We drove down to Lone Pine to Mt. Whitney Restaurant and finished off the hike just like we started it- with a hot juicy burger and a beer. We drove about 5 hours in the afternoon to Kingman, AZ so that we could get a head start on our stop by the Grand Canyon the next day- because life is an adventure, and when you get to do life with your best friend and you’re both pretty adventurous, life is grand. 

Days 14-16

Day 14 – June 20

Mather Pass is the WORST. We woke up at 5:15, knowing that we had to climb 10 miles to the top of the pass before descending 5 on the other side. The first 6-7 miles were beautiful- besides a few pesky mosquitos; we passed multiple streams, waterfalls, and a gorgeous lake.  Then, we climbed out of all grass, trees, vegetation, or any signs of life onto a rocky, unstable, steep, very difficult last 3 miles. I said a few choice words when I realized that what I thought would be the pass was a good 800 feet lower than the actual pass, where I looked up to see a few tiny ant hikers making their way slowly through the switchbacks.

When we did finally reach the top of the pass, the other side was a little more stable ground but very sandy and rocky with a lot of switchbacks- it looked like the moon. We reached shade again 2 hours later for a salmon taco lunch at 3:00pm. We refilled water and hiked a few more before camping at Main South Fork Junction- again barely low enough to have a fire. We had a delicious couscous chili dinner and passed out. Yes, the mountains around us were beautiful and breathtaking in their own way, but man, today was rough.

Day 15 – June 21

Happy Father’s Day! We hated not having service today or a way to contact our dads, but we prayed for them and we can’t wait to see them soon!

Unfortunately, today is also Summer Solstice, which is only unfortunate because that’s the day every year that many PCT hikers decide to go naked. Completely naked. Keep in mind that almost all PCT hikers hike South to North, while we are hiking North to South on the same trail. I definitely could’ve lived without the full frontal nudity.

John killed 38 mosquitos today and Em snagged 16- not too bad for a rookie. Em also saw a wolf early this morning, which was amazing. While John wandered into the woods for a bathroom break, I sat on a boulder just off the trail and I was taking in the surroundings when I saw him about 100 feet up the trail from me. I watched him and he watched me and wove through the woods not 25 yards from me. I slowly moved my left hand to grab the knife off John’s pack (though I had no idea what I would do with it), but mostly I just sat still and stared in awe of the majestic creature as he passed.

We climbed up & over Pinchot Pass with little difficulty, and descended the next 8 miles through a very windy canyon until we reached the Golden Gate Bridge of the Sierras, and our campsite (complete with a bear box) that awaited on the other side. We washed our clothes for what will likely be the last time in these mountains, cooked dinner, and are falling asleep now, excited and ready for our last few days.

Day 16 – June 22

We’ve done well on most of these passes, but we absolutely destroyed Glen today. Glen Pass was 11,960 feet tall, and most of the climb was in 1.9 miles. The switchbacks were constant and extremely steep. Often times the trail was huge steps over 2-foot boulders at a time. Generally, though, the ground underneath our feet was stable compared to the loose rock at Mather. We didn’t have to walk through any now; there were just spotty patches off the sides of the trail. We could see the trail in front of us the whole way and knew exactly where we were shooting over the mountains, thanks to the people who were waiting at the top for us before they headed down. The pass itself was more like a 2-foot wide ridge about 100 feet long. It was windy, beautiful, and sunny down both sides, and the peak lingered about 100 feet overhead.

It took us an hour and fifteen minutes to get up and over the pass, and we are pretty dang proud of it- so proud that we took off half our clothes and jumped in a glacier lake on the South side. It was unnamed on the map, so we named it John & Em’s Lake. We reclined on some warm rocks in the sun and dried off some before lunch. After lunch, it was a steady climb down for about 4 miles before climbing a few hundred feet up to Upper Vidette Meadow, where we Enoed, set up the tent, built a fire, and John stumbled upon a doe resting just yards off our campsite. It was lying between two logs and when it saw me, it got up and moved ten yards away and just laid back down so Em came over to see it. We only got a picture of it’s butt, though.

Em started cooking dinner while I set up a fire. The meal was amazing. It was macaroni and cheese with ground beef seasoned with taco seasoning. It reminded us of Hamburger Helper in the most comforting way. We lit the fire between devouring huge bites. I think I had a little extra, but don’t tell Em. For dessert we indulged in our second snickers of the day. We have yet to get tired of them. After doing food inventory, we determined we could yet again return to our twice daily Snickers regimen.

Days 11-13

Day 11 – June 17

We woke up just before the mosquitos around 6:30 and packed up camp quickly, eating a Builders bar for breakfast number one, and began the climb to Selden Pass by fording a freezing river of snow melt, aka Bear Creek. We climbed leisurely, but at a quick pace, the 4.1 miles up to Selden- which was absolutely beautiful.  The other side was beautiful as well, so we stopped to make more coffee and cook breakfast number two of oatmeal. Adding strawberry jam, however, turned out to be a huge disappointment (or maybe not so huge- I still ate every bite.) As we were packing up to get back on the trail, we met our friends from Quito, Ecuador that we hung out with on our rest day at VVR. We hiked with them on and off throughout the day and traversed the sandy, dry switchbacks and descent for about 6 miles when we finally made it to Piute Creek to refill water, make camp, and even plunge all the way under in the frigid creek, with our friends Maria and George (we don’t actually know George’s name yet- all we hear Maria call him is amorcito.) We went to bed early after a long 13.5 mile day and some spicy taco beef couscous.

Day 12 – June 18

We started off climbing, and 13.5 miles later, we were still climbing. We are currently camping in the wind tunnel that is Sapphire Lake, just a few miles shy of Muir Pass, which we will tackle in the morning. Although today was very difficult, it was also one of the most beautiful days we’ve seen- from the rushing San Joachin River and birdies chirping early in the morning, to countless stream crossings and peaceful little meadows, the views around us made a tough hike well worth it.

The marmots are a little skittish, but keep trying to come befriend us whenever we have snacks around. We are very sore and Surgeon Sauvageau drained a massive blister from Em’s pinky toe, but we are overall still happy and healthy. It’s hard to believe that we have exactly one week to go before we will be strolling (or crawling) into Whitney Portal. Time flies when you’re with your best friend.

Day 13 – June 19

Well, we did it again. We hiked 4.4 miles past our intended campsite, landing us at 16.3 miles for the day- a pretty impressive feat considering we were only at 9 miles around 3:15 after an hour long lunch.  We decided to use our downhill momentum to make tomorrow’s climb over Mather Pass a bit easier and sooner in the day. We were originally supposed to hit the peak of the pass around 4pm.

Today was arguably the most gorgeous day yet. We climbed 4 miles in the morning to Muir Pass. On the North side, you look down at beautiful Wanda Lake and can see various peaks reflected in the water. The South side of the pass was dotted with lakes, whose outlets flooded the trail, but not too bad- just enough for fun rock hopping. A few lakes at the top of the pass were still frozen over with snow on top. We saw every kind of rock on the way down as well, which is unusual for the predominantly granite Sierras. We saw countless waterfalls today as well, and a few more mule deer- still no bears, but we are not mad about that. (John claims that both our mothers must be praying against them.)

We climbed down to the bottom of LeConte Canyon and about a mile back up in elevation toward Mather, where we set up camp beside a large creek at an elevation where fires are still permitted. The no-fire zone for Kings Canyon is 10,000 feet, and we are still in the 8s currently. We just finished dinner- tonight we had delicious pesto orzo with chicken Emily made and dehydrated for us. It was the closest thing to a fresh meal I think we have had yet. Now it’s time to wash up in the stream, put out the fire, and hide the bear vaults away from our camp so that we can make out 8:30 bedtime.

Till next time,
John and Em

Days 7-10

Day 8 – June 14

We skipped writing yesterday and I don’t love that, but we killed from Deer Creek to Fish Creek and it was beautiful. It rained, it hailed, and it even snowed on us a little, but never anything too bad. My wrist started killing me and we diagnosed it as tendonitis and wrapped it in an ace bandage. That and not using trekking poles are helping a lot.

Today we set an alarm for the first time at 5:30 and got out of the tent by 5:45. We left around 7:40 and climbed over & through Silver Pass by 10, then took our time the rest of the day- stopping for sunscreen, snacks, water, lunch, and not just rushing our pace on the trail, either. In the afternoon, we decided to go ahead and extend today to 16.2 miles to go around Lake Edison to get to Vermillion Valley Resort, our second resupply point, because the ferry is only running in the morning. It was a tough hike around the lake but we made it by 5:45, got out free drinks, and set up camp- here there is a large area of free hiking for thru hikers. Oh- we also forded our first river today, although it was more like a creek and there were rocks we could’ve hopped across about 50 ft upstream- but it was more fun to take off my shoes and walk through it.

Anyway, I am tired and ready for our zero day tomorrow.

Day 9 – June 15

Rest day. From writing as well as hiking.

Day 10 – June 16

Today was a struggle. Blake Shelton woke everybody at VVR up at 6:00. It was a cold night and John’s air mattress had a hole. After packing everything up we felt how heavy our packs really were after an eleven-day resupply that would last us until the end of the trip. We ate Snickers and a Ritter’s bar for breakfast and made some instant coffee. While we were waiting outside in the cold, the owner asked if we were waiting for the ferry (tiny aluminum boat) and if we were ready to go early. Meanwhile, an angry old French guy and his hairy-armpit wife who were hiking the PCT got their panties in a wad because they were “promised” that they would be on the first shuttle out. So, we shared a ride with the annoying beret-wearers while they uploaded pictures to Facebook. Way to go, France.

Thomas Edison Lake is so dried up we had to hike about a mile to the trailhead that connected to the trail that connected us to the JMT. We started climbing right away and didn’t stop for 4.5 miles. Emily counted at least 50 switchbacks. Needless to say our backs, especially Em’s, were killing us- so we stopped for an 800-calorie, hour-long lunch.

The afternoon was pretty flat, but we ran into swarms of mosquitos between Bear Creek Jct and Bear Lakes Basin, where we ended up camping on a large granite slab in hopes of avoiding some buggies. It kind of worked. We ate a tasty orzo & meatballs meal, and had our signature 2^nd Snickers for dessert.

Days 4-6

Day 4 – June 10

Holy guacamole. Today was a whirlwind. We woke up at 5:30 and it was raining, so we kept snoozing. Eventually we got up at 7:25 and it was sprinkling, so we took down the tent quickly, retrieved the bear vaults (still untouched- we place them about 100 yards from the tent every night just in case, but no signs that they’ve been disturbed at all yet- I think they work!) and decided to have a Snickers for breakfast in the interest of not doing dishes (sorry moms!).

We started hiking a muddy but flat trail through the rest of Lyell Canyon toward Donahue Pass until we got to the first of many major water crossings only about half a mile from camp. We shimmied, walked, and crawled across a log and made it across dry. John had to double-back for my pack. He’s a super hero. Another mile of flat but muddy trial and then we started the steep climb out of Lyell Canyon. Everyone we passed stopped to chit-chat and warn us what a tough climb it would be.

The steeper the climb got, the heavier the rain fell. You come out to flat ground and think you’ve made it over the crest, only to find another set of vertical switchbacks. Back down another ravine, across more rushing water, through some snow, and then up again as we climbed the rainy, rainy, rainy, rainy, COLD trail through Donahue Pass and out of Yosemite. Now, on the way down, it was raining so hard that it turned the trail into a constant stream, the snow into ice, and we lost the trail briefly a few times.

After 3 hours of continuous hiking, in attempt to escape the rain and warm up a bit, we stopped for a snack in a semi-dry spot under a few trees. We chugged our water, devoured our snacks, and tried to enjoy the scenery of Ansel Adams Wilderness, but it was too darn cold. So we threw on as many layers as we could and prayed again for the rain to let up, and when the rain let up we prayed for the sun to come out, and when the sun came out we prayed for the last few storms to roll past without breaking (and Emily prayed this would be the last rain she’d see for 16 days). God is good! Em’s fingers slowly came back to life and we began to truly enjoy our hike again- the constant beauty surrounding us is breathtaking. We kept hiking past our intended site at Marie Lake Jct over Rush Creek (our 20-somethingth water crossing of the day, at least), past two kilted, bearded brothers, and up to Island Pass.

The landscape is dotted with countless still lakes and ponds that are now reflecting the blue & pink sky and the few white clouds that remain. As we write this, the sun is setting and all the frogs in the pass are beginning to RIBBIT! We have full bellies from our re-hydrated chicken, couscous, black bean & rotel combo made by our very own Trail Food Queen, Emily. And then another Snickers for dessert. We got to brush our teeth and wash our socks for the first time in 4 days- delightful. It’s bedtime because we need to get going early so we can reach our resupply and made dinner reservations at Reds Meadow before 4. A shower sounds nice, too. Sweet dreams and lots of prayers for more sunny weather!

Day 6 – June 12

Good morning! We are at Red’s Meadow Resort, just outside Devil’s Postpile National Monument. We weren’t actually supposed to get here until tonight or tomorrow morning (I had the itinerary confused in my head when I wrote last), but we pushed 18 miles yesterday and the weather was beautiful, the last 6 miles were downhill, and we made it in time to get a cold beer at the store, call our families, check emails, and get a campsite for the night. The campground host rode around on her golf cart to greet us and tell us to move to a better campsite, so we moved to the one right across from the bathrooms and water fountain- that was clutch. She also told us that there was a 6-person limit for the campsites, but for backpackers she was trying to help us out so she said to just keep it under 10 people and she wouldn’t say anything. We made friends with 4 PCT guys, named Runaway, Limp Noodle, Hot Mess, and Homie, and then our fellow JMT hikers who we met earlier in the day, Jeff, Cory, & Heather, joined us as well. It’s normally $22 for one night but since they all pitched in for the site, we only paid 6.

We slept in a little later than usual, until around 8, and had a leisurely breakfast of oatmeal for Em and freeze-dried eggs & bacon for John. The campsites each have their own bear box- it was so nice not to have to hide our bear vaults away from camp and retrieve them again in the morning. I called my momma, we dumped all our trash and cleaned out the massive olive oil spill, and packed up camp.

We made our way back up to the general store for our resupply pickup and more importantly, two shower keys. After stuffing 5 days worth of meals, snickers, and toiletries into our already semi-full bear vaults (we only needed 3 days worth, but we packed extra), we each took a hot shower using as much soap as possible. After we no longer smelled like the inside of our hiking boots, we went to the café for our second burger in four days.

After chatting with two forty-something year old guys we met who decided to call it quits after blisters got the best of them, we finished our free 24-oz Sierra Nevada Pale Ale from the hiker box and went on our way. No longer than minute after telling another group of hikers the forecast called for a 20% chance of rain, it started to sprinkle off and on for about thirty minutes. Then it started to rain off and on for another thirty minutes, and finally started hailing for about fifteen minutes all while we were climbing sandy switchbacks all afternoon. We made good time though, and we made our miles in a dry sand forest in about two and a half hours.

We picked a more secluded campsite out of the 6 or 7 options at Deer Creek Crossing. We ran into an old guy from the area who hikes part of the PCT whenever he can. He left us with a life lesson that life is like Halloween...I’d explain it to you but it would take awhile and I’m not really sure what the lesson was in the first place. Anyways, we set up camp, got water, and used our luxury item for the first time all trip. The Eno was so comfortable and relaxing and the 660-calorie German chocolate bar was not bad, either. We got to do a little laundry thanks to Em and even made a fire since we were below 9,600 feet. We enjoyed a lovely Asian meal of Thai basil noodles with dehydrated shrimp. (Don’t judge until you try it, it’s like jerky but with seafood- two of my favorite things- what could go wrong!)

John WHOOPED Emily in some Mexican card games (maybe not entirely truthful). Finally, after a relaxing and refreshing day, we got ready for bed remembering we do have toothbrushes and toothpaste. Besides a few dark clouds with a little tiny bit of thunder and lightning, today was a great day filled with lots of fun and laughter and love.