The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace
For I am yours, and you are mine.
After the day of school. I made it!
Sweet student notes- "Hello Miss B" "Don't drink coffee, it's bad!" "Hello, I'm annoying." "Keep on your good work :)" and more. they rock!
In August I moved to Roma, Texas to teach math after accepting a position with Teach For America. Over the course of the first semester, I got caught up in the stress and bustle of all of the buzz words that surround TFA and education in general- student achievement data, culture of achievement, affirming the identity of my students, community engagement, extracurricular involvement, unit plans, lesson plans, grading, paying bills, missing home, missing weddings, missing birthdays, missing my nephew, missing my family and the love of my life like crazy, wishing I had just gone to law school instead of committing two years of my life to doing something where the chance was slim to none that I would actually see a return for my labor...As you can see, what started as school stress compiled into a mountain of doubt and insecurity. My joy slowly began to fade. If not for family, friends, and John, I would have given up halfway through the first time around- thankfully, I'm not the only one praying for me.
One month ago, in the season of advent with Christmas fast approaching, I was reminded of when I spent half an hour literally crying out to God during worship three years ago asking him to break me- to use me for something totally and completely of his will. I surrendered my desire to go straight to law school and just wanted Jesus to take me deeper, more intimate, to the heart of the Father by doing his work in our world. Well, God certainly answers prayer!
I committed to TFA after much prayer and fear sometimes (still) grips me and makes me wonder, "Why am I here? Does it make a difference? Am I doing any better than the next person would?"
And then I remember that it does make a difference, because my God so clearly wanted me here for two years. This semester, I feel the joy of the Lord fully restored in my home, in my work and in my classroom after once again surrendering every second of my day to his will in bringing me here.
It's not easy to see when you're just grading papers. But then you have a student in 3rd period who can't focus one Wednesday, and he proceeds to tell you that since his grandmother (who was raising him) died a year ago, his grandfather doesn't know what to do anymore. He's abusing alcohol and drugs and the student just keeps to his responsibilities and sometimes tells his aunt what's going on. My student's options are to live with her in a small, 2 bedroom house with 3 other kids, or to go Houston with his dad who he has never really been a Father to him. Tears start streaming down his cheek and suddenly the 6" 200 lb linebacker takes off the mask. I ask if he has other siblings, maybe older ones he could live with, and he tells me that his brothers are all older and don't live in Roma, and his dad told him once that he has sisters, but he's not really sure if that's true because he's never met any of them.
My student hugged me goodbye yesterday as he checked out of school to move to Houston, afraid of entering into a new school and starting over where they mostly speak English and afraid of moving back in with his Dad. And I realized that some days, the most important part of my "job" is to be the shoulder for him (and so many others) to cry on during the day, and then to go home and to pray.
Some might say that I can't bear the weight; I can't bring my students' stories and home lives into my own concerns. But I beg to differ. In fact, I can't get them off my mind. This is just one story, but they are endless. I desire so much more for my students- but ultimately, I want them to know that they are loved- not just in my classroom, but by a God that has a plan for them and who will rescue them from the pit and raise them to new life in Christ. I may not be able to change the current plight of my students, but I can work to provide them with an education that will change the trajectory of their families for generations to come. And so I resolve to be the most joyful, hardworking, consistent, and effective educator that I can be for my beautiful, precious students. My feet may fail but they are standing on the rock who never fails- he never has, and he won't start now.
Love,
Miss Bennett
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my faith could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
(lyrics from Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong)
